


Pulling pulling pulling

by Sharking



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hallucinations, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:48:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28094154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharking/pseuds/Sharking
Summary: Neil is pulling pulling pulling but she won’t move and why won’t she move and he has to go and they have to go and why isn’t she moving-Neil has a terrible nightmare and panic attack that sends him reeling, Andrew helps ground him
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 15
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy 
> 
> Tw: references to blood, death, nightmares, panic attacks

Lola was coming closer. 

He didn’t know when she’d gotten into the room but suddenly she was there. 

He knew she was dead. He knew she wasn’t coming back. He knew she couldn’t be here. 

However, all Neil could think was 

Lola 

Lola 

Lola, She stalked forward like she was a beast. Like the rippling muscles of her arms were just arms. Like the talons were nothing but nails. Like the knife in her hand and the smile on her face where normal not wicked. 

And fuck, his mom wasn't awake yet. And there was a thump thump of heavy boots down the hall. And they were three story's up they couldn't jump. And what was he supposed to do

What was he supposed to do 

Why wasn't his mom awake yet

Fuck why wasn't she awake yet

And Lola laughed

And he didn't know what he was supposed to do

He reached for a gun that wasn't under his pillow. And why wasn't it under his pillow. Did Lola have it?

And why wouldn't his mom wake up?

He grabbed her wrist and pulled at her to run. The hand hung limp in his grip. He looked back to see her dead

Dead

No no no

No that's not right 

That can't be right 

She's not dead 

She can't be dead 

His mom can't be dead

And he's pulling at her pulling pulling pulling 

And she's not moving 

She needs to wake up

And he thinks he's begging her to wake up

His throat is raw and dry and he sobs her name 

Over and over and over 

Lola just laughs and he flinches when he remembers she's there

She was in the corner but now she's right in front of him

And he has to get away but he can't leave her

He can't leave her 

And someone's talking but it's not Lola 

And Lola grabs his wrist 

And he pulls away, tried to yank himself from her grip, tries to get away, has to get away

God he has to get away 

And he's running down a hallway?  
It's long and he feels like he's running for a while and he runs into a wall and pivots and Keeps going and shakes off hands and cries and cries and cries 

And then he's tackled to the ground

And he knows this is it

Lola wouldn't be kind to him 

He should've stayed with his mom

And her body is upstairs 

With her pale skin and her sunken cheeks and her small hands and her hazel eyes-

No she didn't have hazel eyes.

But

But she had hazel eyes in that bed

Why were they in that bed 

She never slept with contacts in and he never slept without a gun under his pillow and they would never sleep somewhere they couldn't jump or escape from

What were they doing in that room 

-eil. Neil Abram Josten. You a-"

And he sees those hazel eyes. 

And he flinches, hard. Hitting his head on concrete. It was wet below him and he must have been in a puddle? Was it blood? Was he laying in blood?

"You are in Palmetto. This is your home. Your mother is dead. Yo-"

No no no

That wasn't his mom in that room. 

It couldn't be. 

She's not dead.

"Your father is dead. Na-"

No

No

No

"Nathaniel Wesninski is gone. You are Neil Abram Josten. You are at Palmetto University. You are a starting striker for the Foxes. You are alive. Your mother is dead. Your father is dead. Natha-"

And the voice continued. The eyes continued. And the hands holding him down continued. And his sobbing continued. And he was so so tired. And he missed his mom. And and and

"Abram. She's dead. It's been 2 years since your father died. It's been 5 years since your mother died. You are here. I am here. Come back down to earth junkie. Can you hear me?"

And he could, so he nodded. Staring into eyes that were hazel. And it wasn't his mom. 

Who was thi-

"Andrew."

"Where are you?"

And he couldn't think. Couldn't look away from hazel eyes.

"I don't know."

"Look."

"Drew I can't. I ca-"

"Look."

So he did. And it was raining. And he was in a puddle of water and mud and there was no blood. 

He looked at the rain for a few seconds, letting the pitter patter of it fall. 

He looked at the grass a few feet away, if his hands were free he could reach out and touch it.

He looked at his hands, firmly held in place flat against the wet concrete. Firm. 

He looked at the street. It was empty and dark. 

He looked back at Andrew. 

"Outside Fox Tower."

"And who are you?"

"Neil Josten."

"And what do you do?"

"I play exy."

"What position?"

"I'm a striker."

"Are you any good?"

"Yeah, I am."

"And your parents?"

And Neil looked at Andrew, his breathing calmed down, slow tears mixing with rain, "they're dead."

"And they're not coming back."

"And they're not coming back."

And then Andrew let go of Neil's arms. He hadn't noticed before but Andrew was sitting on his lap, using his weight to keep him from running. 

His head wasn't quite screwed on right. He was still fuzzy and cold. Things weren't fully in focus, but he knew where he was, who he was, who he was with. 

"Can we go inside?"

Andrew nodded and peeled himself off of Neil. 

He helped him stand up and Andrew kept their pinkies linked. They walked inside the building and he realizes just how freezing the rain was. They step into the elevator and don't lean on anything. They still drop on the floor.

Now with his breathing a steady in and out pace, Neil took a moment to think. 

He let out a small laugh of disbelief, "God Andrew, what the fuck happened."

"You were mumbling in your sleep, then you started screaming. I tried to wake you up, you grabbed my wrist and tried to pull me out of the room. Then you ran out and into Matt, he tried to stop you but you ran around him and down the stairs. I caught up to you and pinned you until you calmed down." 

Well that was embarrassing, Neil could feel the tips of his ears get red. He'd have to apologize to Matt, and Andrew . . .

"Did I hurt your wrist?"

Instead of an answer Andrew held up his hand for Neil. Who took it gently into his own. It was a little red, there would probably be bruising.

"I'm sorry."

It was a whisper and right after it left his lips the elevator dinged open. Andrew walked out, Neil missed the warmth of his touch immediately. He dragged behind him like a zombie, suddenly feeling tired all over. And wet. And cold. 

They walked past doors that usually would have been open at this time of night and Neil had a feeling they were closed on purpose. He'd apologize to Matt tomorrow.

They got in there dorm to find Kevin asleep on the couch. He'd probably waited for them. 

Andrew walked right past him so Neil did too. He was feeling out of his own body right now. Felt the pull of Andrew like gravity. Wasn't in his right mind. 

He stopped dead at the threshold of their room. 

Andrew didn't stop but when he noticed Neil wasn't moving anymore he turned and raised an eyebrow. Instead of boredom, there was concern in his eyes. His hazel eyes.

And Neil sucked a breath in and took a step back.

"I can't, I can't go in there. Not tonight. I can't."

And he tried to keep his breathing calm but he was so tired and everything was too much and he didn't know how tears kept coming. The well ought to have dried up by now. 

Andrew took a step forward, striding in a way that brought Neil nothing but calmness. He bumped their foreheads together and slung one arm around Neil's neck. The other brushed tears from his rough cheek.

"I don't know why I'm like this."

"It's because some evil people tried to ruin you and you didn't let them."

"It feels like I'm ruined."

"You're not. Not to me."

And he grabbed his wrist and pulled. It was gentle, soft. Calm. And Neil went. Andrew sat on one of the armchairs in the living room. The couch was occupied by a snoring Kevin so Neil took the armchair opposite Andrew. 

"Rest your eyes. I'm tired of seeing them."

And Neil let out the smallest little laugh you've heard and wrapped himself in a blanket tight. He wouldn't be able to sleep, he knows this, he knows that Andrew knows this too. But it did feel good, to close his eyes and know that when he opened them Andrew would still be there. 

That Andrew would always be there.


	2. Dissociation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil has stopped panicking, but he's falling out of his body. His mind somewhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: panic, dissociation

Neil hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep. It must have only been for a minute or two because Andrew and Kevin were in the exact same position they had been in from the last thing he remembered. The sun hit golden eyes and light blonde hair only slightly different. 10 minutes maybe, either way he hadn't expected to fall asleep at all. 

His whole body hurt. Ached. The muscles of his legs twitched slightly. Deep inhales and shaky exhales trying to draw the tension out of his body. Andrew noticed the change. He turned from the book in his hand towards Neil. 

"Morning sunshine." He said it with a thick southern accent that told Neil he was making fun of someone. He tried to remember where it was from. His head was pounding.

"I can't believe I fell asleep."

Andrew hummed an agreement then nodded his head to the glass of water and pile of clothes on the table next to him. "Go change you're still wet."

Those words were what made Neil realize he was indeed wet. The uncomfortable kind where your clothes are soaked and everything's sticking to you. Andrew had changed, he didn't remember him changing. 

Neil tried to unfold his legs but they pulled him back to the couch with a twinge of pain. 

Andrew was watching him carefully.

Instead of focusing on his legs he reached out for the water. His throat was dry. He hadn't noticed how dry it was.

God he was still so out of it. 

Usually this sort of thing would drive him crazy. His legs not being 100%, his mind not being fully right, this sort of vulnerability wasn't supposed to exist for him. 

But Andrew was here. Watching him with a careful eye. He'd never admit it but by the set of Andrew's body, a fake sort of casual, Neil could tell he was prepared to catch Neil if he fell. Oh romance, what a concept huh?

And that made Neil laugh a little laugh to himself and Andrew's mouth quirked up with a question, "Descending into madness is not a good look for you."

Neil laughed for real, right out loud causing his sour throat to gravel the sound, "It was a great look for you, although I still prefer you now."

Kevin grumbled from the couch. He had been so engrossed with Andrew that he'd forgotten he was there at all. Another act of vulnerability. Maybe he really was going crazy.

"Oh, why are you two out here." He mumbled into the couch. His neck was definitely going to be hurting. 

Andrew ignored him and stood up, calling, "Breakfast." over his shoulder as he walked into the kitchenette. Neil nodded, knowing he'd make him food regardless of his answer and Kevin just let out another groan. 

Neil slowly unfolded his legs until his feet were flat on the floor. He didn't feel sturdy enough to stand. Kevin had long since abandoned the couch for the stools at the breakfast bar. His head in his arms there too, likely snoring lightly if Neil were close enough to hear. There was a smell of eggs and sausage cooking in the air that must have been Andrew, he can't hear the sizzle. He was losing time, too focused on his own body. 

"Andrew."

And there wasn't a response, he couldn't hear anyone say anything. The air had no smell. 

"Andrew."

This time there was a response. A short sharp "what" from the kitchen. Neil lets out a deep breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. 

Shit.

"Andrew."

It was all he could say. This wasn't supposed to be happening again.

And then there were footsteps. 

"Calm down rabbit, you're awake remember?"

He looked into Andrew's eyes and felt if he looked away things would get bad again. 

Neil didn't say anything, just shaking a little bit and listening to the sound of things burning on the stove. Andrew just held eye contact. Not expectant, just staring.

"Go fix the food, I'll be fi- I'll be okay. Come back when you're done?" Neil knew he sounded desperate. There was a strain in his voice, why was it there in the first place. When Andrew didn't move Neil jutted out his shoulder, the most he could do to move the hand on his neck, "Go."

And Andrew did. It wasn't the same as it was yesterday, or last night, or earlier today. Neil didn't know. This wasn't the same. It just felt like he was floating and losing touch with what was around him. He was more gone than here, but he needed to be here. If he wasn't then someone could sneak up on him. Anyone could take advantage of him. Take advantage of this vulnerability. He needed to snap out of it. Needed to get out. Needed to-

Then Andrew was back in front of him. A hand cupped the side of his jaw slid down his shoulder before landing back on his neck. Protecting a vertebrae that might have been sticking out. He hadn't been eating good lately.

"Andrew."

"Neil."

Why was this happening?

"Talk to me."

And Neil choked a little bit on tears that hadn't been there the last time he'd checked. But his shirt was wet so he must have been crying for a while. 

"I can't."

And Neil got deja vu from their conversation held laying in a puddle of mud. 

He knew his lines,

"Drew, I can't."

And the hands weren't enough. All he could feel was the wet streaks going down his face. They'd thrum occasionally with a renewed sense of fulness. And he couldn't event ell what he was seeing. Not really. He could see. There were shapes in front of him. The colors changing occasionally. Gold if he tried to identify it. But the gold left occasionally and the streaks would thrum. 

Something hurt. Somehow his whole mind went somewhere he couldn't reach. Fully extended he could brush his fingertips against the surface of thoughts. He'd just push them further, not quite enough grip to firmly grasp at anything but the streaks on his cheeks.

Time passed. It had to have. That's how time worked. He wasn't sure what time it had been to begin with. Wasn't sure how long it had been since then. Wasn't 100% certain that he ever had a grip on his mind at all.

The sound cam back first. There was a constant sound. Every once in a while there would be a roaring of a sound that would send him back into his mind just a little. It was two steps forward one step back. Eventually the roaring became clearer, it was laughter. The constant noise was people talking. It was dialogue. It was a tv show. A comedy.

His eyes weren't blurry but his mind was. When he could distinguish the voice of Jerry and Elaine his mind snapped into place a little bit. There was a tv. The sounds he was hearing matched to the way their mouths moved. He flinched when Kramer entered the screen screaming something. Someone was sat next to him on, on the floor because they were below him. He was on a chair then. A comfortable padded chair. 

The person moved, turned when Neil had flinched. Neil couldn't move to look. The person put themselves in Neil's line of sight. 

Golden. Yes the color from before. Was it this person. Neil let his eyes drift a little. Away from golden and onto pale almost white and onto black and back to golden.

"Andrew."

And the person, Andrew, nodded in front of him. And he let his eyes wander to skin and clothes, pale and black. 

"Hold me?"

Neil didn't think he could force any more noise out.

Andrew moved him. He was staring at gold one second and staring at the ceiling the next. He was laying on something warm. It was warm and moving. Andrew.

"Will you talk?"

Somehow he had gotten it out.  


And the warmth grunted and started to whisper, "Do you know what I thought when I first saw you when I was off those drugs?"

Neil shook his head gently, rubbing against black fabric.

"I thought that you were going to be a serious problem. I was right. You've been nothing but a problem since I met you."

"Why? Why do-"

"Because you're the only one. You know what I mean when I say you're nothing. I need hardly explain it for you. You're too smart for that."

Nothing, nothing was. . . Nothing was everything.

"I know."

"A little trouble up here," there were three taps on Neil's temple, gentle pressure from knuckles, "that's nothing."

Nothing was sometimes nothing. 

"You know I'm not a talker but I'll talk until you're back. No matter how long it takes."

And they sat there for just short of half an hour with Andrew talking and talking, pulling Neil back to his body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed


End file.
